Common sense: This baby will come. My body knows what to do. She is growing stronger and healthier everyday she stays in. She will come and it will all be worth it.
The truth: This is hard. So much harder than I thought it would be. All of it, from the very start, this pregnancy has been hard and emotional and painful. It has also been happy and silly and sweet. And we are so excited and blessed to be pregnant, to know we'll soon have another child to love and raise and join our family.
But I have been pregnant since January. Again, nothing special, the regular gestation. And I'm only a few days past my estimated due date, which again is nothing unusual. Healthy gestation can be anywhere between 37-42 weeks. But I haven't slept, or had a normal night's sleep in over three months. And before that, spotty at best. Plus, half-way through, my back tweaked with nerve issues and I couldn't move well. And from the very start, my appetite was gone and everything made me feel sick.
So, pity me? Ha, I'm not looking for that, because I know that all of this is normal with pregnancy too. Your body is radically changing. You get morning sickness, complete exhaustion, body pains and so on. All typical and all things you quickly forget once they place a beautiful new life in your hands.
The Waiting Period gives you a chance to go inside yourself and think and feel. It gives you time to do those last things with the family you have the way you know it before they become the family you have, but with this whole new life force thrown in to stir things up. And I am trying so hard to be zen about this time, to be cool with it. And some days I am. Some days I wake up with pep and vigor. I take long walks, rub my belly, laugh at silly movies, write thank you's, go to soccer practices . . .
But to be completely honest, I also wake up several times throughout the night and in the morning and cry. Exhausted. Hurting. Bored. Scared. Anxious. And I want to be alone, or at least just left in my most simple routine. I want to be in my head and in my heart. I want the baby out of me so, so badly. And in honesty, it isn't just so I can hold her, which is a huge part, but it is because I just don't want to be pregnant anymore. I really, really want my body back.
My first two pregnancies, I can hardly remember. And when I do, they feel like happy memories. Like I was fine and they were easy. But this one. There aren't very many positive feelings.
I've never been good with waiting or surprises, two things that come with the end of any pregnancy. I hope that like before and like for so many, once I hold her, I'll forget this time, especially these last few weeks.